Shhh!

How NOT to Talk So Little Kids Will Engage

Imagine a scene:

Toddler is fractious and unsettled - maybe at the library or playground, or maybe at home- a bin of toys is put in front of her and she lackadaisicly picks up a toy person and looks at it. Before she can make a decision Mom jumps in -

“ Oh did you find a person? Is it a daddy? Is he going to drive the bus?”

Shh!

That poor child doesn’t have a second to figure out what she is looking at let alone what she is going to do (throw it? chew it? drive the bus? the possibilities are endless) because Mom has jumped in and interjected her words and ideas.

A few years later…

This same child now six, is on summer break or just at home or the playground after school. She wanders aimlessly about, swings for a few minutes perhaps or picks up a coloring book and colors for a while. Again there is a chorus from Mom

“Oh honey, do you want me to push you on the swing?”

“What are you coloring? What colour are the princess’ eyes?”

Again the child is thrown off her track and it doesn’t take long for her to drop the self directed activity and for Mom to hear

“I’m BOOOOORED”

Mom too is frustrated. Her child is so needy! She can’t figure out what to do with herself and Mom finds that she must be the entertainer and cheer leader as well as attending to all of her other duties in the home, PTA and what have you. She can’t understand it - she doesn’t remember aimlessly wandering about in the summer, her mother, she thinks, would have put a quick stop to it with some mopping or weeding but she doesn’t want to do that. It’s too harsh. Her mother would have kept on folding the laundry and said, “Hi Bored, I’m Mom.” but the parenting books and blogs all say that children need their feelings validated and not dismissed.

She doesn’t realize that her mother WAS validating her emotion of boredom, “yup that emotion exists and you are feeling it.” without solving the problem for her. The books and blogs have told her that any response that isn’t dropping the task at hand to solve her child’s emotional problem isn’t good parenting and she believes them because she doesn’t realize that her mother trusted her to be self reliant enough to find something to do!

No wonder so many moms are in an emotional tizzy! They are carrying their own emotions and the emotions of their children and trying to solve them. And the solutions they use - more talk, more explaining, more questions, words, words, words- don’t actually move the task of recognizing and managing emotions onto the shoulders of the people doing the emoting. If anything, they give the emotee reasons to emote more and more and more and now Mom (who wants to be a loving, patient, and fun parent) finds herself dreading the hours that her children are not in school or camp or something!

Mom needs to hush.

She needs to put down the burden of the children’s emotions.

Sure, validate them, but do it matter of factly “ Hi bored, I’m Mom, would you like to empty the dishwasher.”

“Your frustration with your project is a sign that you need to take break, would you like cheese and crackers or an apple for your snack.”

“It’s been a long day and tempers are running short, go jump in the shower and I’ll fix you a supper tray so you can read while you eat.”

Those responses acknowledge the emotional state of the child and offer a clear path forward without interjecting Mom’s opinion or her own emotional state. The child may choose to stomp away “I’m bored doesn’t mean I want a job, Mom!” and flop on their bed or they may choose to empty the dishwasher and one purposeful action will lead to another of their own devising (be aware especially with boys, the next thing may be a wooden sword or a slingshot!). Either way the child must work with their own state. They can choose Mom’s offered path or they can choose a path of their own, Mom has refused to take that responsibility on her own shoulders and (with some stumbles as they grow) the kids will manage their emotions too.

Let sleeping dogs lie is good advice.

Let children act without well intentioned adults butting in is even better.

Keep loving your Extraordinary Ordinary Life!